Madi's story

Before you start reading you should know that I’ve had this draft for months. It started as a pity party full of bitterness and doubt after being asked repeatedly when we were going to have another baby. I re-read it the day after I wrote it and realized that I needed an attitude adjustment that would start with Let Go, Let God. As the days have ticked by I’ve taken out sections that were just plain mean and have re-written others. My outlook is a changin’!

I feel so blessed and everything we went through with Madi was worth every single second for the smiles and giggles we have today, as I am sure it is for everyone, but it was such a stressful and emotional time. Those who have been able to take their baby home with them when they leave the hospital will never understand our trepidation. I just can’t be as flippant about having another baby as someone who had a normal pregnancy & delivery.

I am human. I am flawed. I worry.

Our Creator was so complex with the things that allow us to have a heartbeat and a breath. It’s near perfection to manage all systems that provide life. Having never been in a NICU and not knowing they existed, I never would have guessed what goes on behind those doors. Never. Miracles happen behind those doors.

I didn’t share much about why they said we ended up having Madi so early. Partly because they’re just guessing. As Dan says, “that’s why they call it practicing medicine.” You can’t follow a flow chart of symptoms or reactions and come to a definitive cause. I was a happy, healthy pregnant lady – absolutely no concerns. That is until I started having contractions 7 minutes apart at 24 ½ weeks. Magnesium sulfate kept me pregnant for a couple more days, long enough for both doses of steroids, but once the mag stopped we were right back at it. Labor didn’t progress very fast at first so they told us I could stay dilated like that for weeks which was really what they hoped for. No need to have a name picked out yet - plenty of time left. We had to have a visit from the neonatologist just in case it did become Go Time because there were some things we had to be aware of. I will never forget that man’s face as he told us that she would have to put forth some effort to survive before they would intervene after delivery. Wait…what? How could you not intervene? She's alive! I believe my heart stopped. We learned a lot of stats during that visit and none of them, not a single one, was positive. Survival… disability…physical impairment. A nurse had told us before he came in that “neo’s will scare the shit out of you.” Got that right!! It was our anniversary night so we tried to continue as planned just Dan and I in the room – food privileges got cancelled "just in case." We attempted to watch Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs on TV. After a while the contractions were coming harder and faster and without realizing it I was breathing through them. Dan sweetly suggested I go ahead and call the nurse. In came the nurse, then the resident with an ultrasound machine. Then came the doc. My water hadn’t broken but the sac and her right arm were on their way out. Now, at 24 weeks we hadn’t gotten to the birthing class, but we knew that arms aren’t supposed to be the first thing out. Dr. Hiett pulled up a stool and rather candidly laid out the scenarios – go in now by c-section and deliver hoping and praying she’s just as feisty outside as in or wait to see if somehow she shifts and hope and pray my water doesn’t break. An emergency c-section would more than likely end in her getting an arm broken on the way out as they don't have the time to make it neat and orderly. God made things play out like they did because as Dan and I are wrapping our brains and hearts around what was happening Dr. Hiett explains that him and his wife were in a similar situation. We asked what they did and he explained why they chose to deliver early. It was comforting to talk to someone that had been in a similar situation – the fact that he had a lab coat with Dr. embroidered on it helped too. Dan and I talked a bit in private and chose to deliver, asked the nurse to tell Dr. Hiett. We then proceeded to call family and let them know the "no visitation ban" was lifted and she was on her way. AND we took out the laptop and started looking at baby names. We had a list on the fridge but as things were spiraling out of control, hadn’t thought to grab it. We had weeks and hopefully months left to decide – Ha! Settled on Madilyn and Madi for short before they came to get us for surgery. Family was starting to show up and then it was our turn – out we went – on our way to become parents. Obviously Madi showed signs of wanting to be here so intervene they did and we started our NICU stay at just shy of midnight on August 25. So Madi will forever share our anniversary. As a side note – we tried to watch Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs a total of 3 times in the hospital, never made it through.

Post-delivery they started trying to answer “Why?” They ruled out an infection that might have caused the pre-term labor as Madi and my blood work came back negative. They ruled out problems with the placenta as that was examined after delivery. Cross those two off and we’re left with freak occurrence, my body’s pre-disposed to pre-term labor, hostile uterus or incompetent cervix. I don’t know that I’ve ever been told I was incompetent at anything! Talk about a blow to the ego. Other than freak occurrence all arrows point to me. Gee thanks. I can’t fix the last three and they said there’s no way to figure out which one’s the answer unless there are future pregnancies. At the time we’d had enough of the emotional roller coaster to say let’s hop on for another go round. But now I think we’re ready to go for another ride.

I say I think because back to the 3^rd paragraph. I am human. I am flawed. I worry.

We were extremely blessed to have such an awesome team of nurses and doctors plus the tenacious Madilyn the Mighty. But what if that’s not the case the second time around. What if I do have a hostile uterus and my body doesn’t accept pregnancy? What if we lose the baby? What if our attempts to avoid prematurity still result in a micro-preemie? We have two professional opinions and they differ greatly. One is rather doom & gloom and the other is rainbows and unicorns. Of course we’re going with the rainbows & unicorns doctor. Even still, my case has to be reviewed by the remaining doctors in the practice so the Preemie Prevention Plan (my name for it) is approved. Bit of a debate as to what would be done as a precaution versus waiting to see if pre-term labor hits first. Dan and I are big advocates of anything proactive. We aren’t looking for another surprise diagnosis that makes your heart drop to the floor and your head spin. My regular doctor wants to do a cervical cerclage (referred to as the “stitch”) right away after 12 weeks. If the problem is hostile uterus, more than likely there would be signs prior to 12 weeks either with me or the baby that things aren’t progressing correctly. If a strong heartbeat is found at 12 weeks the chance of miscarriage after 12 weeks drops to 5%. The cerclage is a series of stitches put in the cervix to keep it from dilating. If my problem is incompetent cervix or tendency to delivery early, the stitch should get us to 36 weeks. It’s usually 85-90% effective. Unfortunately, other docs in the practice would want to wait for any change in the cervix before intervention. I can tell you that I’d be a nervous wreck wondering if every unusual feeling was the beginning of labor so I’d much rather go with the cerclage. There is a small risk of the cerclage procedure causing contractions while they’re put in and possible infection/tearing if labor progresses before the stitches are removed. Doc says the cerclage should be the only debatable step in the Preemie Prevention Plan.

     I will go in for more check-ups.

          I will get hormone shots to delay pre-term labor.

               I will receive steroid shots to boost organ development just in case. (Yay shots, my favorite!)

                    I may/may not be ordered on bed rest.

Sounds like a walk in the park, doesn’t it? Why haven't we had another two by now, right?

If we end up back in the NICU, how would we handle medical setbacks? We had our touch-and-go moments with Madi but overall she had a pretty easy stay. Heck, how would we survive having one at home with one in the NICU plus regular work-home responsibilities? Talk about some frazzled people! Another dynamic of the What if? I think about is how Dan would be impacted. Madi was delivered by classical cesarean so I don’t have the option of vaginal delivery. Baby 2 will be another c-section and I was not a quick healer with Madi’s delivery. When I say not quick we’re not talking weeks or months, I’m talking seasons – Fall, Winter, Spring - seasons before I was back to normal. I wouldn’t be able to drive myself to the hospital, bend over the tub for bath time, wouldn’t be able to lift Madi. I’d like to think I wouldn’t be completely useless but a lot of stuff would fall to Dan. Then there’s the high probability that I’d be on bed rest towards the end of the pregnancy, even more “lazy time.” One of my biggest fears is that it would be hospital bed rest. Not only would Dan have to handle work plus everything at home but there’d be no hanging out at the house, he’d have to bring Madi to the hospital to visit. Work a full day, pick up Madi, take care of the boys, arrange dinner, come visit at the hospital, back home for bed time, get up with Madi during the night then back to work in the morning. That’s exhausting! You can’t survive that schedule for weeks on end without a meltdown.

But…what if we follow the Preemie Prevention Plan, make it to 36 – even 34 weeks - and deliver a healthy baby? Hospital staff wouldn’t be able to quiet down the celebration coming from our room. Marching band…confetti… fireworks… and lots of hootin’ & hollerin’! God, that would be awesome. In case you didn’t catch that – God, that would be awesome.  *wink*   (maybe just a slight exaggeration on the celebration)

It is so hard to truly accept the idea that we will survive whatever situation we’re dealt. To trust that all things have a purpose and not fear the unknown. But it gets easier to stop the doubt when I realize that we are not alone. These two songs are wonderful reminders:
                  Strong Tower
                  Voice of Truth

Psalm 25:1-2

In you, Lord my God, I put my trust. I trust in you; do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me.

In my case enemies are worry, doubt and fear. Which if you’ve read this far I’m sure you could figure those out for yourself. I am human. I am flawed. I worry.

*new stuff - not part of original draft*

So, why do I post this after over months of sitting in the Drafts folder? Well. They say it takes a village to raise a child and when we start down the path of Child #2 it will take a village of supporters to get us to his/her first breath much less beyond that point. So I finally post this to let you know you are being called upon:



Madi rubbing her belly - did that all on her own.



Love you bunches - big sister in the making!

I guess this means we can rule out I can't get pregnant.  *sly smile*