Read these recently and thought about posting on Facebook but who knows if that'll be around in 10yrs plus the likelihood of me remembering that post...slim. Not sure Blogger will be around in 10yrs either but it's tied to Google and they seem to be doing pretty well so I'll take my chances. I doubt the article weblinks would work in 10yrs so I copied the full text of the articles.
10 Things I want my daughters to know about marriage followed by 11 Things I want my son to know about marriage. There's enough societal pressure regarding the roles of a wife/mother and husband/father so I wanted both lists together because a lot of what is listed below is gender neutral. Husbands don't band together in a hunting party to provide food for their families. Wives don't beat the laundry over rocks down at the river. Thankfully we've made a few advancements over the generations.
10 Things I Want My Daughters To Know About Marriage
I have two daughters. Norah is 4 and Aspen is just 3 months. Their lives look very different than mine did as a child. My father left when I was a 9 years old. I was raised half by my single mother, and half by my widowed grandmother. When I got married, I didn’t know much about what it meant to be in a good marriage and I had to learn a lot of things through trial and error.
Even at their young age, I think a lot about my daughters’ future and whether I’m setting a better example than the one I had. Below is a list of things I’ve learned about marriage that I’d like them to know.
(Author’s Note: I know that views on marriage are changing. This list is based on my own experience in a straight marriage because it’s all I know.)
Don’t let your husband pressure you into sex: Most likely your husband will want sex more than you expect. Don’t let your husband pressure you into things you are not comfortable with. Talk openly about sex with him. Discuss your expectations and try hard to understand his. Although sex is important, be sure that you both realize that it is only one part of your marriage, it isn’t the whole marriage.
Don’t lower your expectations of your husband after marriage. Raise them: After marriage, it’s easy to get comfortable. I’ve never understood why this happens, because marriage is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s easy to let things slide after marriage. To expect fewer dates, fewer flowers, fewer love letters. Don’t. In fact, expect more and you will get it. And do the same for him. Once you have children, those little trinkets of affection may be the only things that keep your marriage above water.
Tell him what you want as frankly, and plainly as possible: I know this sounds cliché, but men and women communicate differently. Most men speak plainly. They like the obvious to be spelled out. Rather than hoping that he will pick up on your hints, say things like, “Take me out more,” or “Don’t give me an answer, just listen to me for a while because I need to vent,” or “I’m really frustrated with the kids. It’s not you. Just let me be alone for a while and I will be fine.”
Sometimes the house will be a mess and it’s his fault, too: When I say sometimes, I mean most of the time. Especially after you have kids. He has as much of an obligation to clean the house as you do, so tell him to stop complaining and do the laundry.
Sometimes it will feel like he’s stomping on your feelings, when in fact he’s just wandering blindly: Your husband is going to forget to do things. A lot of things. He’s going to say stupid things, too. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Realize that most likely his actions or statements were not malicious. He didn’t intend to hurt you or not do something on purpose.
Don’t allow him to tell you your place or define your aspirations: When you get married, you may want to be a stay-at-home mom. Five years into marriage, you my decide you want to become a lawyer. Or perhaps when you get married you may be a lawyer, and five years in you might decide you want to become a stay-at-home mom. Your husband will most likely do something similar with his life goals. A successful marriage is one where both partners expect and support positive change.
Your husband is your partner, not your master: Never forget that you are equals.
Expect him to change with age (both physically and emotionally): Most likely your husband will get a little fatter over the years. He will grow more mature. He will go a little gray and a little bald. You will change, too. But at the same time, he will become different emotionally and intellectually. He will grow more mature. So much of a successful marriage is accepting and understanding change within your partner. As long as those changes are natural and positive, let them happen.
Don’t be afraid to frustrate your husband: This is a good thing. Keep him on his toes. Questioning his motivations and his sincerity will ultimately make him more aware of his actions.
Expect him to get up in the night with the kids: If your kids take after you, you are going to have some long nights. He will have a lot of excuses as to why he can’t get up. He works in the morning, and he doesn’t want to be tired at work because it’s going to make his job harder. You know what, you have to work, too. You might have a job outside the house, or you might be a stay at home mom. It doesn’t matter. You have stuff to do, same as him, so expect him to help. Marriage is a partnership. Never forget that.
11 Things I Want My Son to Know About Marriage
Right now, my son, Tristan, is 7 years old. Even at this young age, I think a lot about what kind of a husband he will make. I think about his future, and if I'm setting a good example. Below is a list of
things I want him to know about marriage.
(Author Note: This list is based on my own experience in a straight marriage because it's all I know. However, I have to assume that some of this advice is universal.)
1. No one will frustrate you more than your wife. This is a good thing. Your wife will keep you on your toes. She will question you, your motivations, and your sincerity in ways that will ultimately make you more self-aware.
2. You are not the only one with an opinion. Sometimes it's best to just shut up and listen. You might learn something.
3. Sometimes she needs to be left alone. During an argument, your wife might lock herself in the bathroom or bedroom -- or hop in the car and go for a drive just to get away from you. Leave her alone. She needs time to process.
4. You will always find other women attractive. Marriage does not make you dead. You are still a man, and you will still look at other women. The real question is how you handle that. Don't forget the commitment you made on your wedding day.
5. Sometimes the house will be a mess, and it's your fault, too. When I say sometimes, I mean most of the time. Especially after you have kids. You have as much of an obligation to clean the house as she does, so stop b*tching and do the laundry.
6. Take her out and bring her flowers. Cliché, I know, but it's true. I've mentioned this in another post, but the most frustrating stalemate in your marriage will be this: Dates lead to intimacy. Intimacy leads to dates. Sex makes me feel valued in the same way dates and flowers make my wife feel valued. It doesn't have to be flowers -- perhaps she likes something else (it could be anything from candy, to sports, to free time). But it is your job figure it out and give it to her.
7. Tell her she's beautiful every day. There are a lot of people telling your wife she's unattractive. At the grocery store, there are magazines with photoshopped women telling your wife she needs to look impossibly slim and forever young. TV stars with a fleet of physical trainers, dietitians and plastic surgeons make it seem like there is something wrong with your wife because having children changed her body in ways she can't define. She is bombarded with people defining beauty for her, and it is your job to help her fight those outside influences.
8. Get up in the night with your kids. If your kids take after you, you are going to have some long nights. Sure, you have work in the morning, and although you think that being tired at work is going to make your job harder, your wife has work, too. She might have a job outside the house, or she might be a stay-at-home mom. It doesn't matter. She has sh*t to do, same as you, so help her out. This is a partnership. Never forget that.
9. It's OK to talk to your wife about your problems. Sometimes you will feel that you need to keep your problems to yourself. I get it. You're a man, and perhaps you feel that discussing your frustrations is a sign of weakness. But let me tell you something: discussing your problems humanizes you. It gives your wife the opportunity to help you and draw closer to you emotionally. And honestly, no one can help you overcome your problems better than your wife.
11. Tell your wife that you love her several times a day. Telling your wife that you love her several times a day gives her reassurance. Being married and raising children can be demanding for you and your wife. Without regular reassurance, your wife can begin to wonder why she is with you at all. And here is the really cool part: the more you tell her that you love her, the more she will say it back to you.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/07/08/10-things-i-want-my-daughters-to-know-about-marriage/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/clint-edwards/11-things-i-want-my-son-to-know-about-marriage_b_5548055.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063
